Because I am so hard on myself when it comes to music, I am easily discouraged when things don't go right: when my notes are wrong, signals aren't right, or things just flop. For the past month or so, I've been in charge of Wednesday night worship. About two weeks ago worship was rough to say the least. It was just a hard atmosphere to push through. Despite praying and asking for help, it just didn't go right. I walked away from that night feeling very discouraged. So discouraged that I was just like what's the point of doing this? Why am I here? Why have I been entrusted with this task if I can't "deliver" every time? Basically, I didn't want to get up again. I was so relieved knowing that I didn't have to lead the following Sunday. But lo and behold, come Sunday morning I ended up having to lead praise and worship anyways.
The following Tuesday morning during my prayer time, I was pouring my heart out to the Lord about everything that had transpired over the week. I was just being honest and telling Him how hurt I was that Wednesday was such a flop in my opinion. I remember asking Him, "How am I supposed to get up and face the people again?" He brought back to my remembrance a similar situation that happened when I was growing up in Lawton. So let me tell you this back story before continuing...
One youth Sunday, we were up singing and it just so happened that we had to sing with a CD that morning. I was leading the song and the musician at the time came up and turned the CD off. I don't know what possessed her to do that because she had nothing to do with the musical presentation for that day. Why she felt the need to walk up there and do that was baffling to say the least. Anyways, of course, I was embarrassed because without the CD we weren't sure where to end the song. We didn't practice it without the CD so it threw everything off and it flopped. I remember going out of the sanctuary crying to my mom because I was so upset and embarrassed. I said something like I'm never getting up again or I'm never singing again, and my mom wasn't having that. She told me that I was going to get up and sing again for altar call. She made sure that situation did not silence me and discourage me from singing.
When I asked the Lord, "How am I supposed to get up and face the people again?" The Lord brought that situation back to me and He said, "This is the same thing. That is why you had to lead on Sunday morning." God wasn't going to let me have a pity party. He wasn't going to let me become discouraged and wallow. He wasn't going to let me be defined by an unfavorable circumstance. He used this circumstance to reinforce an old lesson.
Recently, the entire first chapter of James has been resonating with me. For the past 3 weeks, I have been starting my day by reading that chapter and everyday another section of scripture in that chapter takes on new meaning. As I go through everyday life and have different experiences, the scriptures come alive and I'm able to say, "so that's what that means." It really is beautiful to see the scriptures come alive and become tangible. The portion of scripture that encouraged me in this instance was James 1: 2 - 4 (NLT). It says, "2 Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles of any kind come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. 3 For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. 4 So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing."
This situation was trouble for me. It's small in the grand scheme of things but for me, it was still trouble. That Wednesday night most definitely challenged my faith. However, I do count it all joy because it reminded me to not become discouraged when things don't go the way I think they should. With as long as I've been singing, you'd think I would have this committed to memory already. You'd think I wouldn't struggle with this sort of thing after countless experiences of things not going the way I think they should. But honestly, I truly am grateful for the reoccurrence of these experiences because it keeps me humble. It reinforces the fact that I don't have it all figured out, and that there is still room to grow.
Praise God that you recognize these things about yourself, and that you turn to The Lord for answers, strength and comfort! We all struggle with something from time to time.......no one will "arrive" while we walk this earth. It's important to remember that we not only sing praises to The Lord but FOR The Lord. When this is done with a sincere heart, it doesn't matter if we or anyone else didn't like what it sounded like or that it flopped. He is delighted at the "joyful noise" that honors and glorifies Him!