Story Time!!!
In January 2018, Lee and I decided that June 2018, when our lease was up in our townhouse apartment, we would move into a house. We wrote down everything we wanted in our home, dated it, and prayed over it. We knew we needed to save up for the down payment and closing costs so we decided that my paycheck from teaching would go straight savings. We also decided to move into his godparent's home to eliminate some bills and help us save as well.
December 2018 I decided to quit my job. I was so depressed and was mentally struggling every day while teaching. I was burnt out and crying all the time. Quitting my job meant that the money we were using to save for the downpayment and closing costs was no longer there. This also meant that we were going from 2 incomes to 1 which in today's economy is very challenging. I had so much guilt for quitting. I had to choose between my sanity and money. I chose my sanity.
January 2019 we found out we were pregnant with our daughter Avery which added more stress financially and emotionally. Avery was born September 8, 2019. Around November 2019, I was engulfed in postpartum depression and really struggling with breastfeeding. I felt like I was suffocating and knew we needed to move to our own space. There was nothing wrong with his godparents or their home, it was all me and what I was struggling with mentally. A week before Thanksgiving 2019, we moved BACK to the townhouse apartment we moved out of a year and some change prior.
I felt like the situation we were in was all my fault, and I was definitely in the bargaining stage of grief. I felt like if I would have pushed through the mental anguish I was in while teaching then we would've had a home by now. I felt like if I would have gotten another job after quitting teaching, then we wouldn't have had to move BACK to the place we had just come from. I didn't go get another job because I was worried places wouldn't hire me because I would have to go out on maternity leave. I also didn't want to fool with maternity leave because I didn't want to leave my baby after 6 short weeks. I didn't know how my pregnancy was going to be so I didn't want to work just in case it w. I had so many things going through my head.
January 2020 during our church's consecration revival, we received a word that we were going to get a house in 2020. We were told we needed to go find the list where we wrote the list of things we wanted in our house, get our credit right, find a realtor, and start packing. Most of all, we were told don't compromise! Nobody but me and Lee knew about the list. We never told anyone we had a list! And to be honest, we forgot we even had a list until we received that word! Immediately after, we started working on our credit and applying for home loans. We were denied or approved for such a low amount of money there was no way we would be able to get a home in a decent area with a good school district.
We finally got approved for a decent amount of money and in June 2020 we were set to close on a house. WONDERFUL right? The storm is over right? God gave us the house in 2020 right? WRONGGGGG!!!! About 2 weeks or 1 week before closing God tells me and Lee that the house was not the one for us. I was DEVASTATED!!! No house and our lease is up in the townhouse apartment in a matter of days?!
I definitely entered the denial stage first. I refused to believe that God told us no. I prayed for Him to change His mind. Then I became angry at God for waiting so long to tell us no and for telling us no, period! I was angry at myself for quitting teaching. I was depressed and scared because we had a baby and no home for her. I felt like I was failing her.
We moved into his parent's newly finished basement. A full kitchen, 2 full bathrooms, 2 bedrooms, a living room, a large walk in closet, even our own laundry room. I should be happy right? NO! I was still depressed because it wasn't ours. I still felt like a failure. On top of that, with it being newly remodeled, the homes of bugs were destroyed so they were showing up everywhere. I was killing spiders and centipedes all day. No amount of spray seemed to help. And to top it all of, one morning I found a lizard in the sink!!!! I locked me and Avery in the bedroom with the lights off and just cried! I can't tell y'all how many times I just sat in the basement and cried. I felt like God had left and abandoned me.
I had to stop and look for God in what was our wilderness. Deuteronomy 29:5 NLT says, "For forty years I led you through the wilderness, yet your clothes and shoes did not wear out." God provided everything Israel needed in the wilderness. Water, manna, quail... WHATEVER they needed! He did the same thing for us! Y'all our bills were always paid. We always had a roof over our heads. We always had a bed to sleep in. Our daughter always had everything she needed; diapers, wipes, formula, toys... whatever she needed, God provided.
When I realized how God was with us in our wilderness, I finally got to the place of acceptance on the grief cycle. Although I accepted God's answer, I still wasn't happy with our living situation. I accepted it and still cried. Accepting God's answer looked like me making the best of the situation we were in. It looked like trying to make the basement as comfortable as I could, and as much of a home as I could. It looked like saying "thank you" that we weren't out on the street. It looked like saying "thank you" for the roof over our heads even if it wasn't our roof.
This story is not done yet... Check back for part 2!
Until next time y'all...
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