These past few weeks have been... what's the word? HARD? EXHAUSTING? RIDICULOUS? Yeah, all of that! I was trying to balance way too much at once. I have been intentionally trying to slow down and MAKE myself rest. Make myself draw boundaries and say no to some things.
I felt so bad like I failed when I decided not to write or edit last week. When I started blogging again and vlogging, I kept hearing "be consistent!" I have enough content to post consistently so that's not an issue. I just don't always have time to write or edit videos. I was stressing and putting so much pressure on myself to churn out two blogs and vlogs every week. Listen, when I decided that would be my posting schedule teaching wasn't anywhere in my purview. I was not prepared for how much time teaching really takes for me, and I definitely had no clue that it was going to be so hard to balance all of my responsibilities. The last time I was in the classroom I was not a mom, the worship leader, or a homeowner. I've been trying to cook, clean, unpack boxes, find and organize clothes, prepare lessons and activities, grade papers, select songs, type lyrics, give attention to my husband and daughter, pray and study my bible to prepare to lead worship, keep in contact with friends and family... the list goes on and on! I was having to choose between sleeping or writing; giving my husband and daughter my attention or editing videos.
Since my dad passed, I've thought a lot about his life: his decisions, his actions. I can see him sitting on the couch or on his recliner in his man-cave, eating, watching the military or sci-fi channel, going to sleep sitting up, and snoring. My daddy valued his rest. He was not going to push himself to give more than what he had. He was a hard worker and gave his all, but he also knew his limits. He was unapologetic in disconnecting from the outside world and recharging. I'm learning to be the same way. It is not healthy to keep going and going and denying yourself care. I haven't felt as tired as I have been for the past month or so since Avery was first born. You don't get a prize for working until exhaustion. You're not better than the next person because you sacrificed sleep or family time to accomplish a task or show up for an event. When I'm stressed and depleted I get very anxious, very irritable, and very snappy. My mind feels cloudy. I don't like being that way. I don't like not being at my best for myself and my family. I know what it's like to be treated poorly by people who did not take care of themselves, and I refuse to mistreat people just because I didn't take the time to rest.
So, what did resting look like for me last week? It looked like sitting on the couch watching the Cosby Show on Prime Video and eating popcorn in the dark wrapped up in a blanket. I wasn't a mom because Avery spent the week out of town with her grandparents. I wasn't a blogger and vlogger. I didn't cook. My hair stayed in a ponytail until Saturday. I didn't unpack any boxes. I wasn't a worship leader because there were no services or rehearsals I had to be at. I wasn't a teacher outside of work hours. Wednesday night and Thursday, we were in Kentucky for Lee's great aunt's funeral. Friday evening, Lee and I went on a date. I even got to take naps last week!
I learned that in order to be my best self, I have to rest. I have to disconnect. I have to stop putting so much pressure on myself to be and do everything. It's okay to say no.
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