After having Avery, I wasn't sure I wanted anymore kids. Her birth was long and traumatic
for me, and I didn't want to go through that again. As soon as the 6 week appointment hit, I knew I was getting on birth control. When Avery turned 1, I talked with Lee about having another baby. He wasn't for it lol He had valid reasons though. We didn't have our own home yet. Financially, we couldn't afford a baby and all of the medical bills that come along with that. But most of all, he didn't want to lose me to postpartum depression again. After Avery turned 2, we revisited the idea of having another baby. We have our own home now; the Lord has blessed us financially; I am better equipped to handle postpartum this time around than I was the first time. It was definitely on the table but we still hadn't made a definite decision. In the meantime, I stayed on birth control.
Picture it, St. Louis 2021... A young 27 year old Sariah gets a sinus infection and is prescribed amoxicillin. (Shout out to my Golden Girls fans who get the reference! RIP Betty!) This is what the warning label said...
Yep, amoxicillin decreases the effectiveness of birth control. This meant that there was a BIG possibility I could become pregnant.
Those that know us, know that we go to Disney World for Christmas every year as a family tradition/vacation. This year I was exhausted most of the trip. Like so exhausted I could barely keep my eyes open. Our family started asking if I was pregnant, but of course I answered no because I honestly didn't think I was. I just thought with all the hustle and bustle that comes along with being in Disney World, I just needed a full nights rest and I'd be fine. Well, Christmas Eve I got a full nights rest and woke up Christmas morning still exhausted. I thought to myself, "the only other time I was ever this tired was when I was pregnant with Avery." I told Lee, we went to go get a test, and it was positive!
How picture perfect is that?! Finding out on Christmas Day in Disney World that you're pregnant. What a gift! Although I was excited, Lee wasn't convinced lol He said the line was too faint on the test so I couldn't be pregnant. We decided to keep the test a secret. We wanted to confirm with my doctor before we said anything. On December 29 I decided to go get another at home test. This time the line was darker which finally convinced Lee I was pregnant! For some reason, I just felt like we should wait until I was at least 12 weeks before announcing anything. We started planning a photoshoot announcement. We talked about how we wanted to rearrange our home to make room for another baby. It was all so exciting!
January 2nd, I went to church to lead worship. While singing, I felt cramping but I didn't think anything of it. I just thought it was my body stretching and making room for the baby. The next couple of days after that I was spotting but still didn't think anything of it. I had spotting with Avery so I thought everything was normal until Thursday, January 6th... I woke up to blood clots. I knew in my heart something was wrong so I immediately called my doctor to set up an appointment. When I got there, my doctor did an exam and told me that my cervix was fully dilated, and that the urine test I did showed negative for pregnancy. I had a complete miscarriage.
To say I was devastated is an understatement. I was in a state of shock. I had so many questions running through my mind. Me? A miscarriage? A rainbow baby? I've seen other people go through it and I've prayed for them but me? How could this happen to me? Avery was fine. I had a really good, near perfect pregnancy with her, how I could miscarry? What did I do wrong? I was taking my prenatals, being more active, eating better, and drinking more water. I had just talked to my boss about maternity leave. I did everything right, and I still lost the baby? Maybe it was my stress levels about going back to work? Maybe while playing Avery had jumped on my belly too hard? My doctor assured me that I did nothing wrong. It just... happened.
Walking out of that hospital was the longest walk of my life. Thankfully, Lee and Avery were there with me so at least I didn't have to walk by myself. When we got to the car, Lee cried and I just sat there staring blankly ahead of me. I was so shocked that I couldn't even form tears for awhile.
I prayed so hard going into January that nothing bad would happen. January 17th is the day my daddy passed away. I knew the 1 year anniversary of him passing was coming up so I was already dreading the month. And then this happens? I was so hurt and angry at God for allowing me to experience loss again. Why me? Why now?
For my church, January is a month of fasting and consecration. We had a speaker during our revival services that said that consecration requires a battle of the wills. I didn't have the strength to battle anything let alone my will to not eat what and when I wanted to. I didn't have the strength to stand up and sing. I felt so weak and like there was no way I could lead anybody into worship. Leading worship is heavy and I just couldn't carry anything else.
So, I didn't. I didn't carry house work. We ate out. I didn't carry work. I took a week off. I didn't carry worship. I sat out for two Sundays. I didn't battle to fast. I ate like normal.
That's what I didn't do, but what did I do? I did what brought me peace. I journaled. I prayed. I cried. I read my bible. I ate chocolate chip cookies, and went to Starbucks for chai tea lattes.
I leaned on Lee. When my dad passed away I withdrew a lot. I stayed in Oklahoma for a month after. But since I was at home in St. Louis, I intentionally made efforts to talk with him and be more present; even if that just meant sitting next to him on the couch in silence watching tv or asking him if he wanted to ride to the store with me.
You know what else I did? I told God exactly how I felt: angry, hurt, devastated, confused. I asked Him "why" a million times and even screamed. Do you think He loved me any less? Nope. Do you think He stopped providing for us? Nope. Do you think He stopped comforting my heart by sending people to check on me? Nope. Do you think He took the gift of singing away from me? Nope.
I don't know where the church community has gotten this notion from that you can't be honest with God about how you feel and ask Him why He made certain decisions. He knows your heart and your inner most thoughts anyway so why try to hide them? But with that, one thing I've learned is that you have to be ok with the fact that even though you ask for a different outcome or ask Him why, He may not change His will (Jesus and the crucifixion) and He may not give you the answer you're looking for (the story of Job).
The scripture I've been having to hold on to is Matthew 26:39b NLT, "...Yet I want your will to be done, not mine." This was Jesus praying to the Father in the Garden of Gethsemane on the night He was betrayed. Jesus was honest with the Father about how He didn't want to suffer. If Jesus can be honest about His feelings, why can't we? Jesus knew that He would be ressurected after 3 days, but He still didn't want to go through the suffering.
This passage of scripture teaches me that NOBODY wants to suffer, but after suffering there comes a time when it all makes sense. There comes a time when you will emerge from suffering with more power than you went in with. Joy will come, but you have to endure first.
I'm still enduring the suffering. I'm taking one day at a time and not suppressing my feelings. I am allowing myself to feel whatever I feel when I feel it. I am taking my thoughts and tears to the Lord. I am being honest with myself and Him about where I am. My joy will come, but for now, I am enduring the pain.
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