Being a worship leader and grieving at the same time is tough. I found myself singing a song that I didn't fully believe at first. I also found myself having to lead worship when my mind was a million miles away.
On our set list last week was a song called Big Remix by Myron Williams. There's a part in the song that says "There's nothing my God cannot do." I struggled singing that part because I felt like, "Well God, there is something You can't do. You can't heal like I asked you to do for my daddy." God's response? "Just because I didn't do it, doesn't mean that I can't do it." Ok. Pause. What?
He continued on... "You asked me to heal him and I did. It just wasn't in the way you thought it would have or should have been done. But I did answer your prayer. I healed him. I gave him eternal healing." I had to just sit with that for awhile. God was right. I asked Him to heal my daddy and He most definitely did, but it just wasn't in the way I expected or wanted Him to. I wanted my daddy healed on this side of heaven, but the will of God was that he receive his healing in heaven.
In this season, I am learning how to accept the will of God. It. Is. So. HARD! It hurts. It is unfair. I don't like it. I don't agree with it. And I'm still waiting to see how Romans 8:28 even applies here... But as Jesus said in the garden the night He was betrayed, "...nevertheless not My will, but Your will be done..." (Luke 22:42).
After this conversation with God, I felt like I could sing that part and actually mean it. On Sunday morning, I was confident and ready to go! Until like 10 minutes before service... Y'all grief snuck up on me and put me in a chokehold!!!
Right before service, I start thinking about my daddy. Specifically, what were his last moments on this earth like? I start seeing his face in my head and I ask God if my daddy was scared or nervous? Was he anxious? What was going through his mind? As selfish as this might sound, I've always wondered if he thought about me in those last moments. I have all of these questions going through my head even as I walk to the pulpit to lead worship. My mind was nowhere in that service. My mind was in Oklahoma. My mind was back in January 2021 trying to figure what happened?!
So, how did I cope with what I was feeling in the moment? I worshipped for myself. I didn't come with clichés or prompts. It was me and the Lord, period! I didn't care if the people engaged with me or not. I didn't care if they clapped or stood up or raised their hands. I was going after God for myself because I needed Him so badly to rise up within me and be my strength. I was weak but as the scripture says "...in my weakness, His strength is made perfect..." (2 Corinthians 12:9). God truly was my strength on Sunday. Because Sariah by herself couldn't do it, but Sariah and God together? Oh, HE came in and made it work!
Until next time y'all...
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