Remember when I said that some days are really good and some days are really bad? Last Monday was one of those bad days. Grief and motherhood collided.
Lee and I will be closing on our first home soon (Look for that blog and vlog in the near future!) As a part of our home loan agreement, we had to complete a homebuyers training course. As I am going through it, I get so sad because whenever I have "adulted" in the past my daddy was always one of the first people I called. I would tell him about what I had to do, get his advice, and listen to his experiences. The relationship I had with my daddy was not one where phone conversations were the norm so any time we talked on the phone was special.
Not being able to call him sent me to the depression stage of grief. When I'm in that stage, I don't want to be bothered. I don't like a lot of noise. I don't like a lot of touching. I don't have the mental space to think about anything other than what I'm feeling at the moment. I just need to be in a quiet space while I process what I'm feeling.
Avery being close to 2 years old had no clue what I was going through so she was being her usual self: energetic, touchy-feely, loud, wanting to play, wanting to flip and dance, with moments of crying and whining. It was WAYYYY too much for me to handle. I felt myself getting very irritated and angry. My mind was being over stimulated. I couldn't handle it. My head literally felt like it was about to explode. Before I started yelling or snatching her up, I put her shoes on, grabbed her tablet, put her in the car, and went for a drive. When my father died, driving became one of the ways I coped when grief became too much for me. I don't have a destination or route to travel, I just drive until I feel better.
After a few minutes in the car, Avery went to sleep. I recorded a vlog about what I was feeling, then I just drove in silence. I was able to cry and sit with the memories I had playing through my head. It's crazy to say out loud but I couldn't handle being a mom in that moment. I just needed to be a grieving daughter.
Until next time y'all...
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